Are Girls Responsible for Dating Violence?

Two recent articles in The New York Times and the Boston Globe have reported on youth violence, specifically dating violence. While the articles describe efforts being made to prevent this violence, a recent commentary notes how they are based on gender-stereotypes and hold girls responsible for stopping it.

"This seems to be the thread running through both of these recent stories: that we still live in a country where gender stereotypes (men are violent and uncontrollable, women are passive and responsible) in collusion with systemic invisibility, lead us to continue making the same ineffective interventions. Our short-sightedness and sexism is, in itself, a sort of violence. It prevents us from empowering the next generation to live better, more peaceful lives," writes Courtney E. Martin.

Statistics on dating violence have shown the degree to which the problem is both troubling and urgent. According to a study from The Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, more than one-third of the 920 students questioned were victims of emotional and physical abuse by romantic partners before they started college. Similarly, the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene found an increase in dating violence by more than 40 percent since 1999.

"But what about the young men? Do we really think teenage boys so depraved that they can't respond to an education on emotional management or be asked to take responsibility for preventing and ending interpersonal violence?" Martin writes.

To read the full commentary, click here. What do you think? Weigh in!

What 3-Months Olds Don’t Know Won’t Hurt Them?

Tiny soft baby shoe with soft heels, for infants up to 6 months.

Looking at the current marketing landscape – it should come as no surprise that stilettos for babies would be the next step towards the sexualization of girls. Babies are not meant to be fashion accessories which Britta Bacon, 30, seems to imply with her statement "Omigawd, what if you could take a baby to a party wearing high heels?" - I mean, when I'm going to a party the first thing I ask myself is "which baby goes best with my outfit? The one in heels or the one in wedges?"

The fact that these shoes are being sold at The Doll Factory exemplifies this more! Babies are not dolls, they're not toys, they're not the "latest thing" to accessorize your outfit with. Children are not objects - but decorating them with shoes like this signifies that babies are perhaps not people, but rather objects. Think also about how we are socialized into gender roles as soon as the words "It's a girl" are exclaimed. Why wait until she's a "tween" to get her buying into the idea that she's an object meant to be looked at when you can start that off as an infant? How do we react to a baby girl in heels or a baby boy in combat gear? We reinforce simplified gender roles and expectations that are limiting and consequently destructive.

Acheson's Gifts and Decorative Accents, owner Dianne Acheson simply brushed aside comments from critics about selling the shoes in her store with the ridiculou response "But a 3-month old baby has no idea she's wearing high heels." Let's try this same "baby logic" with other things: "But a 3-month old baby has no idea she's wearing a french maid's outfit (or a stripper's outfit - let's not forget the stripper's pole made for kids, pictured below!) It's soooo cute!"

Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit from Tesco sold in their "Toys and Games" section as a fitness gear.

In the end - this product was not made with a child's needs or wants in mind, but a narcissistic parent’s, whose looking for the perfect party plus. Maybe they can pole dance together, too.

Transforming Inner Pain to Public Outcry

Speaking of My Beautiful Mommy (see post below), in study after study we see the impact of a culture for girls so toxic that such a book is touted unapologetically on national news shows, ensuring the author millions in new clientele and books sales. A recent media survey of 3000 women found that appearance and weight trumped disease as cause for women's concern -- 84% of the women surveyed felt they were overweight and 56% were concerned about diet/weight, while just 20% express concern about heart health and 18% about diabetes. (Alas, we can be sure that the results of this marketing study won't be used to turn those figures around.)

Campbell Leaper and Christia Spears Brown studied 600 adolescent girls between the ages of 12 and 18 and found that 90% experienced sexual harassment in school, most often in the form of unwanted romantic attention, demeaning gender-related comments, teasing based on their appearance, and unwanted physical contact. As if girls don't have enough to deal with, along comes "bodysnarking", the blogosphere posting and dissection of unflattering pictures, usually of and by girls and women. Finally, as if to come full circle in the most terrifying way, a study of 818 adolescents (aged 11-19) conducted for a British health care provider reported that one in three girls surveyed had tried to harm themselves by methods including cutting, burning, punching and poisoning.

The connections among these various studies and reports aren't simple, but they speak to the distinction psychologist and eating disorder specialist Catherine Steiner-Adair made years ago, between the body pathological and the body politic. In a culture in which there is heightened control and discipline around body and appearance, ubiquitous experiences of sexual harassment, and a steady diet of sexualization and objectification, we shouldn't be surprised that girls exercise their own means of protection and control, using their bodies to speak their pain, release their anxiety and stress, and channel their resistance. In a world where girls are sold a fraudulent tale of "prettier" at all costs, they want to feel something, anything, real. Their protest reclaims the power of their own authority, their private refusal to be publicly "handled".

There are some positive signs. In the above-mentioned media survey of women and health, Gen Y women (those "millennials" born between 1980-1994) were more likely than Gen X and Boomer women to say they are at their ideal weight (29% vs. 9%, 7% respectively). Young women bloggers are now calling for a bodysnarking ceasefire. Most hopeful, Leaper and Brown found that the girls in their study who had a better understanding of feminism from the media, their parents, or teachers were more likely to recognize sexism and sexual harassment for what it is. The hope is in the feminist work we do with young women, transforming inner pain to public outcry-not for them, but with them.

House of Dereon Sells Out Little Girls

One of the things that bothered Lyn Mikel Brown and Sharon Lamb most when they researched Packaging Girlhood was the erosion of the boundary between childhood and adolescence. It's not only that little girls are introduced to a teen lifestyle earlier and earlier, it's that the definition of teen has become almost completely narrowed to hot, shopping girlie types -- as if this is the only way girls can look and feel grown up. Forget their maturing minds and moral sensibilities, their skill on the playing fields, their passion for theater, art, or science and just give us sexy. Why? Because if you can channel that wide-eyed desire to look cool and mature in your direction, there's money to be made. The health, well-being, and safety of girls be damned. Enter Beyonce and her mom, Tina Knowles, and you have the new "House of Dereon" little girls line of clothing designed to make your 6 year old the coolest girl on the urban street corner.

My Narcissistic Mommy

From our friends, the fabulous Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D and Sharon Lamb, Ed.D, over at the Packaging Girlhood blog:

In 2007 plastic surgeons performed nearly 11.7 million cosmetic procedures in the U.S. alone, 91% of them on women. That’s a lot of women, and since 67% of the procedures were done on 19-50 year olds, that’s a lot of mothers. Enter the new children’s book, My Beautiful Mommy, aimed at answering all sorts of questions that children 4-7 may have about mom’s operation.

It’s understandable that children would be confused by their mom’s plastic surgery. But there’s something both disturbing and bizarre about the messages in this book. It reminds us of the extreme makeover show, The Swan, where “ugly duckling” women cried with joy at being chosen, saying things like, “as a child I was just an easy target for kids to pick on.” The point of such remarks was not to blame those cretins cruel enough to tease others about their appearance, but to justify why those victimized by them would want to spend thousands of dollars to conform to impossible beauty ideals. By the season's end, we all saw the results. A lingerie beauty pageant of Stepford women -- white, Black, Asian, it didn't matter -- they all ended up with the same hair extensions, noses, and boob jobs.

What angered us most about the show was not the “24-7” regimen and personal trainers who shouted “You’ve got to think military!” or the therapists who shamed participants who ate butter, or even those gleeful plastic surgeons circling body parts like they were football plays, saying things like “we’ll give her a killer body”. No, what really got us were the horrifying moments when the rebuilt mothers met their young children for the first time post-surgery. Little children were paraded into the studio to see their mommy after a three-month separation and the shock on their faces was heartbreaking. They were confronted with a stranger who pulled them into her arms, and cried real tears of joy from Bratz-doll eyes. We don't know about you other mothers out there, but our young children protested when we cut our hair. Imagine if mommy came home with a new face?

According to author Dr. Michael Salzhauer, My Beautiful Mommy is not meant to indoctrinate kids or idealize beauty but to “allow parents who are going through this process anyway to have a vehicle to explain it to their kids."

But idealize beauty it does. Mom’s “after” picture looks like the Little Mermaid in a belly shirt, and the smiling surgeon is built like Mr. Incredible. Worse is the dialogue: “Why are you going to look different?" the little girl in the book asks, and mommy responds: "Not just different, my dear — prettier!" Dr. Salzhauer’s explanation of why mommy has bandages, sleeps a lot, and can’t do the laundry or dishes (don’t get us started on that set of messages!) might make sense in Swan World, but as he acknowledges, real kids are “very perceptive” and they can read between the lines.

Which means that no kid will settle for this answer. Most will insist, “But you’re pretty to me.” They may protest, “I don’t want you to change!” The implicit question is: Why isn’t that enough, Mom? It’s a much harder question to answer because, unlike those bullies out there, a child young enough to understand this book is the one person a mother can count on to love her for who she really is, for the things she does, the way she makes her child feel, the time she gives, and yes, the information she imparts about how to treat other people and how to develop and feel good about what’s on the inside. Why isn’t that kind of love enough? We all know the answer why.

Not a child psychologist, Dr. Salzhauer might be surprised to learn that kids are also perceptive about parental narcissism. When the daughter says to Mommy after her bandages come off, "You're the most beautiful butterfly in the whole world," she knows at some level this is what her mom needs to hear. When parents are insecure, children respond by taking care of them, making them feel better, and putting their needs first, sometimes at their own expense.

What makes this book really awful isn’t the mother’s decision to have plastic surgery, for whatever complex or simple reason. Nor is it the way the book could work for plastic surgeons to troll for future clients. It’s the damaging message it gives to children everywhere, and especially to daughters who will grow up to face similar bullies someday. No mother in her right mind, or rather no mother who has given this issue more than a minute’s thought, would tell her daughter it’s her problem to fix.

Lyn Mikel Brown
Sharon Lamb
Developmental psychologists, and authors of Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters From Marketers’ Schemes

Girlfighting in the Media

There's been a lot of hype recently about girls' physical aggression towards each other, especially following the case in Florida when a group cheerleaders recorded themselves beating another cheerleader causing permanent damage. Peggy Moss has a great blog response that we wanted to share with all of you.

Check it out

Girls Rock! A Review by GAB Girl Beth Preston

Beth, the president of HGHW's Girls Advisory Board (GAB) wrote this stunning review of the film Girls Rock! which opens in Waterville on Friday, April 4th as part of our Girls Rock! Weekend. Find out more

Girls Rock! the movie is about a camp called Rock ’n Roll Camp for Girls. But this camp is not just a camp. It’s a place for girls to find themselves.

At the beginning of the week these girls form a band. At the end of the week they are expected to perform. They write their own lyrics and play their own music. Some of them have never even seen the instrument they will be playing. While doing all this, these girls manage to break out of stereotypes, show who they really are, and have a ton of fun.

The movie focuses on four girls. Laura is a teen into death metal. She comes across as being very self-confident and able to talk to anyone. But she admits to the camera that she doesn’t really think people like her, and that maybe she should try to be like everyone else. Misty is also a teen. She is living in a group home and has never seen the instrument she will learn to play while at camp. Amelia likes to write songs about her dog. She loves music, but was shunned by the band she wanted to be in. Palace is a cute girl with a loud yell. She sometimes has trouble getting along with others but she loves music.

As the movie reveals these girls’ experiences at the camp girls, you find yourself getting to know them. You want them to succeed, you cheer them on, and you laugh out loud. You see them breaking free of what society wants them to be, and see them become what they want to be. It is an inspiring and awesome movie. I give it a thumb’s up!

Also, check out Melissa Silverstein's blog about Girls Rock!