This article is excerpted from "Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters" by Courtney E. Martin. Copyright 2007 by Courtney E. Martin. Reprinted by permission of Free Press, a division of Simon and Schuster, Inc.

-excerpts of article are available here (www.alternet.org/story/50661/), but we have pasted our favorite paragpraphs below! Enjoy!

There is a girl, right now, staring in a mirror in Des Moines, scrutinizing her widening hips. There is a girl, right now, spinning like a hamster on speed in a gym on the fifth floor of a building in Boston, promising herself dinner if she goes two more miles. There is a girl, right now, trying to wedge herself into a dress two sizes too small in a Savannah shopping mall, chastising herself for being so lazy and fat. There is a girl, right now, in a London bathroom, trying not to get any vomit on her aunt's toilet seat. There is a girl, right now, in Berlin, cutting a cube of cheese and an apple into barely visible pieces to eat for her dinner.

Our bodies are places where our drive for perfection gets played out. Food is all around us, as are meals and the pressure that goes with them. Well-intentioned after-school specials teach us, from a very young age, how to purge our snacks. We are inundated with information about "good" and "bad" foods, the most effective workout regiments, the latest technological advancements in plastic surgery. We demand flawlessness in our appearance -- the outer manifestation of our inner dictators.

To some degree, this makes sense. People in general like to look at a pretty face -- which means they also like to be friends with a pretty face, do business with a pretty face, and marry a pretty face. Attractive people are desired and coddled in our society; they have an easier time getting jobs, finding boyfriends and girlfriends, getting parts in music videos, simply getting the average waiter's attention.

The cruel irony is that although we become totally obsessed with the daily measures of how "good" or "bad" we are (refused dessert = good; didn't have time to go to the gym = bad), there is no finish line. This weight preoccupation will never lead us anywhere. It is a maniacal maze that always spits you out at the same point it sucked you up: wanting. We keep chasing after perfection as if it is an achievable goal, when really it is the most grand and painful of all mirages.

Beauty is the first impression of total success. Social psychologists call this the halo effect: We see one aspect of a person -- such as her nice hair -- and assume a host of other things about her -- that she is wealthy, effective and powerful. Looking good indicates control, dedication, grace. If you are beautiful, we learn, you are probably rich, lucky, and loved. You are probably sought after, seen, envied. You probably have ample opportunities for dates and promotions. Our generation does not generally equate beauty with stupidity the way our parents or grandparents sometimes did. Beautiful, to us, has come in savvy packages -- Tyra Banks creating her own empire, Candace Bushnell writing her way into found-hundred-dollar Manolo Blahniks.

From a very young age, we see weight as something in our control. If we account for every calorie that we consume, if we plan our fitness schedule carefully and follow through, if we are exacting about our beauty regimen -- designer makeup, trendy clothes -- then, we conclude, we will be happy. And we can be beautiful if we are just committed enough -- no matter our genetics, our bank account, or our personality -- as we have learned from advertising and the American Dream ethos. This logic leads us to believe that, if we are unhappy, it is because of our weight and, in turn, our lack of willpower. We are our own roadblocks on this road to 21st century female perfection and happiness.

Colorado Springs, Colo., was suburbia to the nth degree, home of strip mass, chain restaurant heaven, and Focus on the Family. Normal doesn't begin to describe how homogenous my hometown was.

Perfect girls

But as in any American town with picket fences this white, something dark lurked underneath. Like American Beauty's psychopathic real estate agent, the mothers I knew were often grinding their teeth and trying to outdo one another in landscaping and SUVs. The fathers -- mostly doctors and lawyers -- were socially accepted workaholics who attended big games and graduations still in their suits. The sons were out on the field 24/7, dreaming of Big Ten schools. And the girls ... were perfect.

Yet these perfect girls still feel we could always lose five more pounds. We get into good colleges but are angry if we don't get into every college we applied to. We are the captains of the basketball teams, the soccer stars, the swimming state champs with boxes full of blue ribbons. We win scholarships galore, science fairs and knowledge bowls, spelling bees and mock trial debates. We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans.

We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read and witty, intellectually curious, always moving.

We are living contradictions. We are socially conscious, multiculti, and anticorporate, but we still shop at Gap and Banana Republic. We listen to hip-hop, indie rock, and country on our iPods. We are the girls in hooker boots, wife beaters, and big earrings. We make documentary films, knit sweaters, and DJ. We are "social smokers," secretly happy that the cigarettes might speed up our metabolisms, hoping they won't kill us in the process.

We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We never want to be as passive-aggressive as our mothers, never want to marry men as uninspired as our fathers. We carry the world of guilt -- center of families, keeper of relationships, caretaker of friends -- with a new world of control/ambition -- rich, independent, powerful. We are the daughters of feminists who said, "You can be anything" and we heard "You have to be everything."

This quintessentially female brand of perfectionism goes on all over America, not just in suburban enclaves but in big cities, mountain towns, trailer parks. And perfect girls abound in Vancouver, Rio, Tokyo and Sydney. Their compulsion to achieve constantly, to perform endlessly, to demand absolute perfection in every aspect of life is part of a larger, undeniable trend in the women of my generation all over the world.

I satisfied my hunch that this was the case by consulting more than 25 experts in the fields of food, fitness, and psychology, interviewing twice as many girls and young women about their personal experiences (sometimes multiple times), and conducting focus groups with girls on the topic across the country. When I sent out an informal survey e-mail to all the women I knew and asked them to forward it to all the women they knew, I got more than 100 echoing responses in my in-box. Here are just a few:

I am DEFINITELY a perfectionist. To the extreme. Everything I do has to be perfect -- whether it be school, gymnastics, working out, etc. I do not allow myself to be the slightest bit lazy. I think if I heard someone call me lazy, I would cry! -- Kristine, Tucson, Ariz., 22

Perfectionists were rampant at my all-women's high school, as were eating disorders. I think I can remember two women in my class who really didn't have body issues, and I always admired them. I never had an eating disorder, but I definitely didn't get away without disordered ideas about food. -- Tara, Beirut, Lebanon, 27

I have always been and always will be a perfectionist in almost everything I do. It creates a struggle within me to truly define or determine when I will be good enough. -- Melissa, McKinney, Texas, 21

I do not consider myself a perfectionist, but others describe me that way. There is always room for self-improvement with my body, no matter how thin I am. -- Kelly, Denver, Colo., 28

People who know me call me an overachiever. I am hard on myself. My body fits into this mentality because I'm tall, long, lean, but that is the result of strict diet and lots of exercise. -- Kathleen, Jersey City, N.J., 28

I am quite a perfectionist. If I put on weight, I would be very upset. I would see it as a sign of failure on my part to control myself. -- Michelle, Dublin, Ireland, 24

Our bodies, our needs, our cravings, our sadness, our weakness, our stillness inevitably become our own worst enemies. It is the starving daughter within who must be shut down, muted, ignored ... eventually killed off.

4/19/2007

Please let us know what you think about this article!

Have we gotten under Kmart's skin?

Well, last I posted, we were still waiting for an answer from Kmart about their willingness to help prevent domestic violence. Apparently it's something that's taking them quite a bit of time to think over. We did receive a call last week from Kim Feeley -- the one who initially informed us, in essence, that our request might offend some of the shoppers they were trying to appeal to. I guess the batterers’ demographic is the one they are hoping to attract. In her phone call she asked that we remove the petition to Alwyn Lewis the CEO of their parent company, Sears Holdings. We know that they've gotten at least 350 petition signatures faxed to them and I guess it's irritating to be getting them when they claim they've removed the t-shirts from the shelves. We could declare victory but we're in this for a bigger reward -- one that could make a difference for the one in four people in this country who are victims of domestic violence. We assured Ms. Feeley that we would take the petitions down when we received some confirmation in writing that they had in fact removed the shirt. Not that we don't want to believe what they say but we would like an answer to our initial letter and our follow-up letter and we really like the certainty of words on a page as opposed to those over the phone.

We did receive an emailed response -- actually a pitiful response, but one nonetheless that they said they sent to store managers. So, true to our word, we've removed the petition...but we've replaced it with another that asks for a response to our request that they take a leadership role as a corporation and partner with local dv and sexual assault programs in the towns in which they have stores. We've faxed them a letter with a request for their response and we've called and left a message for Mr. Lewis.

In the meantime, victims are living in fear and suffering needlessly. We can change the cultural acceptance of violence against women and children but it will take each of us doing our part. Feel free to download the petition and fax it to Mr. Lewis yourselves. We know it worked on getting them to pull the shirts.

Hardy Girls to Kmart...we're still waiting

While we've been getting lots of response to our petition to Alwyn Lewis, CEO of Sears Holdings to pull the Problem Solved t-shirts from Kmart shelves and become a leader in violence prevention, we still haven't heard from Mr. Lewis himself. In addition to programs and inviduals around the country, we've gotten a call from Senator Olympia Snowe's office asking how the office might be helpful in our endeavor. So, before we announced a protest similar to the fabulous one held in Toledo,

Demonstrators protest 'Problem Solved' t-shirts
Protesters want t-shirts pulled from Kmart shelves
Mother of murder victim outraged by t-shirt she says promotes violence

we decided we would give Mr. Lewis a reminder that we were looking for some answers from him. We faxed the letter below and will keep you posted on whether he responds. In the meantime, feel free to visit the Hardy Girls' site to download your own petition for 10 people to sign and send. Together we can make a difference in creating a safer world for women and children.

January 23, 2007

Aylwin Lewis, CEO and President
Sears Holdings Corporation
3333 Beverly Road
Hoffman Estates, IL 60179

Dear Mr. Lewis:

On December 20, 2006 we faxed and mailed a letter to your office regarding the Route 66 Problem Solved “Attitude” t-shirts that Kmart is selling in stores throughout the country.

Since our letter was sent to your office, we have heard from our friends throughout the country – in states such as Minnesota, Ohio, and Massachusetts that Kmart has chosen to continue to sell the shirts despite letters, protests, and emails asking Kmart to take a stance against violence. We haven’t however, heard from Kmart or Sears Holdings as to whether Kmart is planning to act on these requests from their consumers.

Specifically, we have asked Kmart and Sears Holdings to recall the shirts from its stores permanently, take a public stand against violence, and partner with local sexual assault and domestic violence prevention projects in towns where stores are located in order to provide all staff with violence prevention and intervention trainings. In addition, we would like to see Kmart take a proactive approach to changing design and purchasing decisions to ones that reflect the values of your consumers and of your mission and values statement. Interestingly, the Meijer chain when confronted with the issue immediately understood the importance to their customers and is now looking deeper into their purchasing policies in order to avoid mistakes such as this in the future.

The Family Violence Prevention Fund, Dads and Daughters and the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood are national organizations urging their supporters to download our petition to you from our website. This issue is generating interest across the country on blogs and list-servs. We have heard from supporters in different areas that the t-shirts have been pulled from their local stores. We’ve also heard from Senator Snowe’s office inquiring as to your response to our request. Since, however, we have not heard from you or any other representative of Kmart or Sears Holdings, we will continue to generate media attention, mobilize supporters, and plan our own protest here in Maine. Violence prevention is a major concern of Hardy Girls Healthy Women and of the majority of your consumers and employees.

We sincerely encourage Kmart not only to pull the remaining shirts from all Kmart shelves, but also to take a proactive stance against violence. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Megan Williams, Executive Director
Hardy Girls Healthy Women

The Good News....and the Horrible

Just when I think things are looking up I pick up the paper and anger and depression resurface all too quickly. I just finished reading an email with two pieces of good news -- from Rebecca Malotke-Meslin, member of NOW's Young Feminist Task Force

1) Meijer's (retail supercenter) corporate headquarters is issuing a NATIONAL RECALL of the offending Problem Solved t-shirts. They are pulling the remaining shirts. They could not have been more apologetic. When informed that it's probably a good thing because local women were organizing a demonstration against sellers of the shirts, the Meijer corporate spokesperson replied, "Oh, no, we don't need that." (However, the change has not yet affected their website and the shirt is still being advertised, and we're keeping an eye on this as we certainly hope they don't plan to leave it up until the next ad comes out.)

2)People Called Women Bookstore is organizing a Kmart Protest in Toledo, Ohio
Date: Sunday, January 21, 2007
Time: 1:00pm
Place: Outside KMart at Alexis and Jackman
What: Protest of sexist and violence-promoting t-shirts being marketed to young boys (and men at other locations)
Who: Parents of slain women, survivors of violence, concerned citizens, kids against violence
Details: The morning of the event, formal letters of complaint and pending girlcott will be hand-delivered to all local area stores known to stock this shirt. Signatures for the letter are being collected by women planning to attend as well as at People Called Women (3153 W. Central). Tshirts from the Clothesline Project will be on display, and Silent Witnesses will be in attendance. KMart was chosen as the first stop on the girlcott tour as 1) they were the first to market it, 2) they chose to market it to children and 3) corporate has already publicly responded they will NOT pull the shirts; however, depending upon the response from other stores which stock it, more pickets may follow.

In case you've forgotten the introductory sentence before the two pieces of good news, there's horrible news. For the second time in less than a month, the front page of my local paper has the story of a domestic murder. Last month it was of 13 year old Anthony Tucker trying to get his sister and mother out of the house when he was shot and killed by his mother's partner. Yesterday Rhonda Reynolds was shot in front of her small children by her husband Richard Reynolds from whom she had a protection order.

What part of violence against women and children does Kmart still find "lighthearted" enough to market to children? You cannot divorce the insidious messages this culture gives to young boys that violence is an okay way to show you are a man. That message isn't going to change until the 95% of men who don't abuse women and children step up their action and raise their voices to make it known that real men don't slap, kick, punch and kill those who are less powerful then they are.















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Jess Morgan"
Reply-To: NOW Young Feminist Task Force
To: "NOW Young Feminist Task Force"
Subject: [NOW YFTF] Just wondering...
Date: Thu, 11 Jan 2007 11:05:23 -0500


Hello young feminists! My organization is trying to get Kmart to pull a t-shirt for children that promotes domestic violence, and is stereotypical for girls and boys. If you'd like to see this ridiculous t-shirt, the url is http://www.hardygirlshealthywomen.org/i/tshirt.pdf.
I'd like to know what you all think, you know, if its convenient. Thanks, and g'day!
Jess Morgan
ps- More info about what we are doing is at www.hghw.org.



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Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa and he gets it.

I found this while reading a list serve on violence prevention PreventConnect.org It's good to know that while Kmart's parent corporation doesn't get it, at least some of their employees do.

"On Christmas Eve I was finishing up my Christmas stocking shopping. In years past done at K-Mart. After several hours and far more $ then usual I got through most of my Chirstmas list. Unfortunartly K-Mart was the only store in town where I could get the last 3 items. I went to the manager of the store explaned about the T-Shirt and showed him how little I had spent in his store this year compared to years past. I ask if he would please forward the info onto the corporate headquarters. He shared my disgust of T-Shirts that show our children that violence is an answer to problem solving and he said he would get an email out right away.

On my way out of the store one of the employees asked if I could show them where the shirt was. The manager of the store followed us and upon seeing the shirt pulled it from the shelve. He said it didn't matter to him if corporate office said it was staying. "I don't care" was his reply.

Don't give up on getting it off the shelves. If enough of the individual stores will stand up to corporate there may be hope yet.
Robin Clover
Director
SAFV Task Force"

In case you missed it, here's the Kmart Corporation's web comment page.
http://www.kmart.com/custserv/contact_us.jsp

Wife beating, Its a dirty job but somebody has to it

Well, imagine my surprise to learn when reading a reader's comment that someone must undertake the dirty job of wife beating. It's almost enough to make me stop reading the "Readers Respond" columns under the stories published in 4 out of the 5 daily papers in Maine about the Kmart Attitude 66 tshirt Hardy Girls and Boys to Men teens asked Kmart to remove from its shelves. While it was painful enough to learn that Kmart and its parent company Sears Holdings Corp. thought the t-shirt's message "light-hearted" even though it was clearly a depiction of violence against a young girl, it's deeply troubling to read the blogs. Clearly they are written by angry men. But why? These men all had mothers and grandmothers and, many no doubt have sisters, aunts and daughters. Do they think that's what those women deserve or is it just that misogyny is so mainstream that they don't even question what they are writing/saying/thinking.

I'll stop now because I really hope that you will follow the link to Bob Herbert's Why Arent' We Shocked and then start to think, especially if you are male, what you can do to reverse this attitude. After all, when you come right down to it, it's really only men who can stop violence against women and children.

Problem NOT Solved

Are they kidding? After being asked, oh so politely, by 4 young people from *Hardy Girls Healthy Women and Boys to Men, to remove a Route 66 Attitude t-shirt making a joke of violence against a girl, Kimberly Freely, Mgr. of Corporate Relations for Sears Holdings Corporation said "no". According to Ms. Freely, the shirt's message is not meant to be taken as supporting domestic violence. She claims the company "in no way promotes, supports or condones this type of behavior." Besides, she says, the figures are cartoon characters, not real people. The manufacturer said the t-shirt depicts a brother and sister.

Hmm, what does they think domestic violence is if not something that takes place within a family? Last night on Maine Public Broadcasting's Maine Things Considered ( http://www.mpbn.net/radio/stories.html ) another company spokesperson Chris Brathwait declared "In general, Attitutude t-shirts are meant to be light-hearted...we serve a diverse customer base". What do they find light-hearted about a crime which 1/3 of women in American report suffering from? And, everyone agrees, the reports are nowhere close to the real numbers. He went on to note the the Hardy Girls and Boys to Men letter to Aylwin Lewis, CEO of Sears Holdings was one of the very few the company had received....or maybe one of the few they are acknowledging.

In case you are thinking of adding your voice to those of Hardy Girls and Boys to Men, here are the three things we've asked the company to do:

1) pull the shirts immediately (and don't dump them in developing countries)
2) become a leader in the efforts to prevent violence against women and children
3) partner with the domestic violence and sexual assault programs in every town in which they have a store to provide their employees with training so that they can recognize, refer and get help for domestic violence or sexual assault if they need to.

Aylwin B. Lewis, President Sears Holdings 3333 Beverly RoadHoffman Estates, IL 60179 Primary Phone: 847-286-2500Secondary Phone: 1-800-549-4505Fax: 847-286-7829E-Mail: Aylwin B. Lewis, Sears Holdings or
http://www.kmart.com/custserv/custserv.jsp?contentId=1phone number 1-866-562-7848.

*the site might be down. we've been overwhelmed with hits but expect it will be back up shortly!